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July 2010

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Jul. 21st, 2010

6

I forgot I had this thing. I don't really know if I still want it, but it's fun to look back on everything. Fun and weird. Much like how I've always wanted people to view me. Maybe they do.

I thought I'd come in here and talk about some deep shit, you know? Heavy shit. 'Cause my heart feels heavy and my head feels heavier and I'm weighed down by questions and what-ifs and bullshit motives. I've got mental to-do lists and to-don't lists and everything else in between, but I can't seem to translate it all into logical English. It's just feelings. Lots of mixed up, shitty, Oprah Winfrey crap feelings.

I hate talking about feelings. I've lived too much of my life based on feelings and not enough based on actions. I don't want to think and plan and scheme and dream and wish anymore. I just want to DO. I want to get up and do something, go somewhere, see people, interact. I think I forgot how. Maybe I need someone to show me again, or maybe that's the worst thing for me. Maybe I need to stop being so goddamn dependent on other people and what they think.

I hate Geminis. Fucking flighty bastards who can't make up their minds. I guess in the interest of fairness I should point out that I'm also a Gemini, but who said I couldn't be hypocritical? Aren't Geminis hypocritical by nature? Aren't I blaming all my insecurities and failings on star sign mumbo jumbo that isn't real? YES. Fuck it. Yes I am. Fuck you Geminis, you know who you are. Get off my fucking constellation and find somewhere else to totally suck ass, 'cause there ain't enough room in this universe for the both of us, and I sure as shit don't mind pushing you into a space vacuum by accident.

...That felt good, but it didn't change anything. Like most of the things I do. I talk a lot of shit and then when the time comes to take action I turn into a shy, quiet loser and let great moments slip away from me. Maybe that's my biggest fault.

What's yours?

Posted at 09:33 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Oct. 24th, 2008

5

Getting another job is exciting. It's a different experience entirely when you've already got a job with steady income and are just looking for something to cure your boredom and maybe make a couple extra bucks.

Ross is my store.  I got the application today and then I came home with it so I could fill everything out properly. I accidentally forgot all my phone numbers and whatnot.
Okay, maybe I didn't come right home. I might have made a tiny little trip to Marshall's, where I might have coincidentally strayed into the shoe section, and maybe that's what this journal is all about.

The shoes. Oh god, the shoes. In a place like Marshall's I would never expect to find such handsome footwear. And none of the shoes are so thin that my feet scream at me when I put them in the shoe. They're all comfortable-even the 3 and 4 inch heels. They're all priced at relatively the same price (40 bucks) and I tried on about 4 pairs and left, promising myself I'd be back as soon as I had the cash for a pair. SHOES!

In creepier news, the toilet blew up and Andrew tried to save it. Now the bathtub would work well as an indoor fertilizer area. To be fair, the tub was messed up when he got there. He did make an improvement, even though I think we need to call a plumber. Seeing him standing there hitching his pants up and brandishing a plunger at the toilet like a sword, and then leaving and coming back with a stick to poke the toilet with was so hilarious I didn't have the heart to tell him I think professional assistance might be necessary.

Today I am doing laundry and cleaning my room, forsaking my nap and book reading time. It begins immediately after dinner, which is at about 7:30.


...ps, Rico is currently in the process is stomping on some old grapes I left on my dresser. He reminds me strongly of Lucille Ball.

Posted at 05:54 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

4

Things are definitely changing.
After some time, I got back one of the big things I was missing in my life, which was my friend. I'm not sure if everything is just water under the bridge yet or if some things will always remain, but I do know that I'm glad regardless and we'll just see where it goes.

On the same note, just because I'm back in good graces with some people doesn't mean everyone is. There's still a not-so-underlying animosity between certain party members that there's nothing I can do about. I mean of course, I'd love it if everyone were friends again, but in this situation I feel like it's not my place to try and mediate-and if I tried I'd probably just make it worse anyway. Both parties have perfectly legitimate reasons to feel the way they do towards each other. At the moment, it's sort of like one party getting over it and the other just fueling up.
I don't know.

V wants me to apologize to R, to try to make things right. She has a good reason for wanting me and him to be friendly with each other, but it's not as easy as picking up the phone. I still feel wronged in my head, even though I shouldn't. I still feel like I should be the one apologized to, even though I know in my heart that I need to just let it go. Like I said earlier, it's easy to be angry. Anger doesn't take effort. What's hard is learning to forgive and forget, and that's what I have to do. Everybody screwed up in one way or another (except B, who had to play mediator). It's just that every time I think about calling him and talking, I think about how she asked him to do the same thing and I haven't recieved a phone call yet either. I guess that means I need to take the initiatve and be the bigger-er...man. Thing. Nonman.

Yeah.

Work sucks. I never get enough sleep and I always lag until after lunch, which means I have to rush to finish my rooms. Then when I'm done I come home and sleep and never get any laundry or anything else done. I want to get another job, but if I do I'll never even get a nap to rejuvenate. It's not like I can just come home and go to bed at ten like I should, because A gets home around then or later. If I did that we'd literally never see each other until our days off-like strangers living in the same house.
I guess maybe I could just ask for a part time, few days a week sort of shift at Ross, which is where I want to apply because I love that store like nobody should ever love Big Business. And by big business I don't mean poop.

Posted at 05:30 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Oct. 22nd, 2008

3

Halloween has sucked for far too long.

I haven't had a proper costume since that time I dressed up as an old woman in 8th grade. And that time didn't even really count because I was supposed to be a sexy cat and I ended up losing my tail and one of my ears, and then my friend (who is easily ten times cuter than me) ended up being the sexy cat while I was the old lady. Now that I'm older, I'm glad I have the old lady idea under my belt and not the sexy cat (for reputation's sake) but the fact remains that I haven't dressed up since. Never had the time or the money or the ideas or anything.

I have wanted to be Mary Poppins for so many years and I've never done it. I don't have time for this year, which is why I'm going to be a condom, but maybe next year will be better. I'll start looking for the pieces right away. I want it to be the white dress where her and the chimney sweep are dancing with the cartoon characters. Also, now that I think of it, I want the BF to be the chimney sweep in his striped jacket and straw hat and white pants.

Not that he would. If he'd say no to matching plug and socket costumes he'd definitely say no to that, but it can be one of my secret daydreams. Much like how I sometimes daydream of doing a steamy samba or tango to that song Into The Night by Santana.
.....um. That could have been a little bit too much information, but I like to be open, you know.

Ahem. Anyway. The only problem I have with my condom costume is that I can't wear it around Andrew's mother OR at work, so it's all in all a pointless venture to buy it now that I think of it-especially considering my Halloween plans include sitting around the house doing nothing and....probably eating a bunch of food. I do that every day anyway.

Oh well. Halloween sucks anyway. I don't need it. No sir, nope, not me.

On a less important but still entirely lame subject, I've gone ahead and done what every woman fears to do. Or at least they should. I guess some ladies are excited about doing it, but not me 'cause the implications are gruesome.
No, scratch that. It's not quite the implication of doing this thing that makes it bad, it's what the outcome could end up being that turns this act into a harbinger of unholy terror. I'mma leave it at that and say that the time to wait is ticking by day by day, and if I'm correct, I should have eleven more days to wait.

...but ohoho, what's this? I've just noticed that another thing i've been counting down the days to is almost up, and by the same indicator I can safely say that I have four more days until this gift is upon me.

Right. Now that I've wasted mass amounts of time talking about halloween and unspoken surprises, I suppose it's time to sleep.

Posted at 03:07 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Oct. 5th, 2008

2

A lot of people-myself included-seem to wait and wait forever for somebody to confirm something they already know. Wendy Yarrow would say that these are pointless things to wait for. She'd say that these questions, "man's questions", weren't worth even asking. A "man's question", she'd say, "is one you already know the answer to".
Gotta give Stephen King his props on that one.

I ask a lot of these questions and I don't know why. Man's questions, where the answer is obvious and the outcome is right there in front of my face. If I have to learn one thing to get through this, it's to stop this behavior. Stop my "stupid sheep's whining", if you will.
Just 'cause Rose Madder is crazier than hell doesn't mean her advice should go unheeded.

Oh well. Just the same, I've been waiting for a confirmation to a question I've had for a long time now. I'm not sure why I haven't asked, except for maybe I thought the point was to be told. Regardless, certain moments seem such perfect opportunities if not for that one primal fear in my head.
I'm not even gonna attempt to break that down. I really don't feel ike it needs further explanation anyway, even if some people might want it. Let them come to their own conclusions. All I'm interested in is getting this stuff out of my head and onto paper.

Getting away from the main point (as I do), I'd like to discuss work and how they royally screwed me over again.
I suppose they're only acting in the interest of the housekeeping department, but it's frustrating just the same when I've figured out-FINALLY-the right way to do things, and yet circumstance after circumstance prevents me from showing it, and it's already Sunday.
Deep breath. I won't even go into the bitchy fellow housekeeper I had to deal with today.

On another wonderfully pleasant point, I am on the rag again and I have about three tampons left. Also, I'm afraid I won't have enough money for my phone bill next week as it is, so I can't go out and buy more.  The only good thing about this is that after it's over I can start on BC again.
Not that I want to. But they do help during the whole monthly thing, so I can be a responsible adult. With estrogen and progesterone-assisted mood swings. Surely.

Posted at 04:50 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Sep. 24th, 2008

1

Mostly I guess the point of this thing is to be able to write what I'm thinking. I hate to get nerdy but it's sort of like that pensieve in the Harry Potter book. Sometimes I just feel like there's so much stuff floating through my head that it must be leaking out my ears and soaking my shoulders. I've kept journals for years, all hand-written, but it gets to the point where I can't write fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. Maybe typing it in will work better.

I don't even know where to start except to say that I'm living in the twilight zone. I used to think that going back to California was the way to fix all of these weird homesick feelings but the way things are going, even being home isn't gonna change it. Big changes have happened-and even though I'm so grateful for the people that have come into my life, I'm still even sadder for the people who have walked out of it. When you've had something or someone for a long time, it/they become a part of you. They're like this vital cog holding the normalcy of your world together, and when they're gone it's chaos.

What really gets me is that I came out here and started this whole new life as a way to make things better. I came out here to start all over again, in a positive manner, and it's turned out so terribly wrong. If I'd have known before what would have happened...
but then again, I'm not so sure how to finish that sentence. Like I said, some really wonderful things are gone for me (hopefully not forever), but some really wonderful things are now here. I guess stuff happens for a reason?

It sucks that this is the first journal entry and I'm already being such a downer, but this is what's been going through my head. I know I'm being vague and over-emotional, but my brain is zapped.

I guess the big point of this story is that shit changes. It makes me really sad that romantic relationships take precedence over everything else, because I thought everything was supposed to be matched, even-Steven. But then again, what do I really know about relationships?
...I could just be stupid. I mean, I'm sure there are other reasons why things happened the way they happened. The problem is that nobody feels the need to apologize to anyone else. Nobody wants to try to make things work again. Nobody can get over this "I was wrong, yes, but it's justified because you were so much more wrong than me". Why can't we just accept that everyone is wrong and it's all the same and get on with our lives? Why do we have to keep making up excuse after excuse to justify our behavior? is it just really ingrained self-preservation, or just plain stubbornness?
The only thing I can think of is that maybe we just don't want to care anymore.

I feel really inadequate all the time. I don't know why that is, and I can't remember if I was ever any different, but I want it to change now. It really drains me every day, you know? Putting that much effort into making sure that you and everyone else in the world knows you're nothing but some boring ugly chick drifing in with the tumbleweeds. My self-esteem is fucking shot to hell, and I don't know what I should do to try and repair it, or even if it's worth it-or, oddly enough, even if I want to.

It sounds really weird, but sometimes I'm afraid to like myself because I don't want false esteem. I don't wanna think I'm this amazing thing when I'm really not that great at all. It'd just be embarrassing. I don't want to be that girl-"She thinks she's so great-she's a fucking fugly douchebag," etc. I wanna say I don't care what people think but I really really do, and it makes me sick.

Myspace is the worst for this sort of behavior. It's a big fat popularity contest is what it is, and also a super secret spy tool that I use often. I hate that Myspace feeds my insecurities and lets me perpetuate this unhealthy behavior. All I have to do to ruin my whole day is to see a random comment, or find a certain Myspace page, or discover the utterly gorgeous picture of some person for me to just start feeling paranoid, sad, worthless, insecure, substandard and completely hideous and lame. It's pathetic. Part of me wants to just say "fuck it, I am what I am and what I am is just as good as anyone else", but it's obviously not true. People are not created alike, either aesthetically or emotionally, and I feel like no matter what I do I'll never be up to par.

Maybe the fact that I have very few friends and almost no fun memories to look back on is due to my self-esteem. I feel like my whole adolescence is gone, and I never did a single thing with it. I never had any fun like most high school kids did-I sat in my room or hung out with a select few people. I'm already grown up but I never had the chance to be a kid.

I'm just afraid of being turned down. It's like everyone else around me got a life and did something with it. Vaness and me-we used to hang out with each other mostly. Good kids, never did anything wrong. Sat around the house all day. Freshman year came along for both of us and we split into different friend groups ('cause we went to different schools).
Sophomore year came along, and I found myself stuck in a new school with no friends and no nothing, and I guess that's one of the biggest problems. She got a life. I didn't. 

Every time I saw her, she'd changed and I'd stayed the same. The Vanessa of then is not the Vanna of now. I feel like this old, unwanted piece of her past that's tethering her to a life she doesn't even want to associate herself with anymore. I'm that last shred of old shitty memories that's holding her back from being someone else completely. It's a really sad feeling.

Is that what I should do? Totally reinvent myself?
I don't want to do that. The best and most fulfilling relationships are I have are with those who know ME and not the person I want to be or the person I try to be. I don't want friendships with people who wouldn't like me once they knew how I really was, but maybe who I really am isn't something to be admired. Maybe who I am is something that NEEDS to change.

I don't know. I've run out of things to talk about.

Posted at 01:10 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share